When Autopilot Became the Coping Mechanism
Somewhere along the way many of us leapt onto the hamster wheel of life and learned that it was easier to stay on and keep going without stopping to see what’s working and what’s not.
We all live lives full of complexity relevant to ourselves and our life experiences, and with the expectation to show up as a parent, partner, employee, sibling, aunt, grandparent or whichever the role, at times it can feel like life doesn’t stop.
When pressure starts to pile up, it can become easier to mentally disengage and just keep going than to remain fully present. In this blog post, I’ll refer to this kind of mental disengagement as living on autopilot.
Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming
Autopilot can look like just going through the motions of life, avoiding difficult conversations because it’ll take too much energy or it’s too uncomfortable, doing only what has become urgent, or even feeling increasingly powerless over your life and the circumstances within it.
Autopilot behaviour is a coping strategy for a life that feels bigger than our ability to influence it.
A coping strategy helps us to find comfort in uncomfortable times and that can be very necessary during different seasons of life, but when it becomes a way of life it also becomes a method of mentally disengaging from the many things that are actually within our control and require our energy to resolve.
We become less active participants in our own lives and can lose sight of where we still have the power to make changes.
In coaching, we recognize that before we can ask someone to perform better, solve problems more effectively, or lead themselves or others differently, they have to be checked in enough to care about what happens next.
As you continue through this blog post, consider the areas of your life where you have stopped actively participating in something that still affects you and what the impacts have been.
Slowing Down (Is Hard To Do)
With all of the demands on our attention, from non-stop notifications and emails to events and relationships, so many of us adapt by becoming highly functional at operating at that pace and under that pressure.
It puts us in a cycle that can make stopping and looking closer at those pressures very uncomfortable.
This is why the first part of the work usually involves some form of slowing down. Slowing down gives us enough space to notice what being in a state of constant motion may have been concealing.
Far too often, slowing down comes as a consequence of something no longer working the way it needs to.
Before something stops working, we push through with the drive to regain control.
For some, this might look like not communicating that your workload is too heavy until you are already at home sick and trying to recover, or not looking to resolve a workplace conflict until it gets too tense to bear. There are plenty of opportunities in between to do something about each situation. However, when we need everything to just keep going so that we can get to the next thing, it becomes difficult to stop and examine what is actually happening.
The determination to push through is often what gets us to our next level and gives us the competitive edge to work well under pressure. The ability to push through can be a strength, but over time it can become resistance to making true change or improvement until the circumstances beg for it.
The question becomes: when are the consequences of pushing through too much to bear?
Earlier, I asked you to consider where you may have stopped actively participating in something that still affects you. I will ask you to take that reflection a step further and consider whether you are responding to life as it is happening or whether you are repeating the response that has helped you survive pressure before.
Also consider what slowing down might look like for you.
Awareness Eventually Asks Something Of Us
Everything, unfortunately, doesn’t get better overnight. After we slow down and become truly conscious of the patterns that have been right in front of us, self-leadership and agency eventually require action within the areas that are actually within our influence and control.
“Doing the thing” is what comes next, and that looks like whichever change is required to regain a sense of direction and control over ourselves.
Sometimes the action required is small and looks like creating a new routine or changing how you structure your day. It can even mean having a conversation or asking for help in a way that you typically do not. On the other hand, sometimes the action required is larger and asks you to be truly honest with yourself about your career, your environment, your roles, or whether a situation can continue in its current form.
This is active responsibility, where you can fully digest the fact that reality does not always have to be fair or desirable for you to acknowledge what is true. From there, you get to choose whether you accept the reality in front of you and make a conscious choice about how you will move forward.
Continuing with the reflections throughout this blog, consider: what is reality currently showing you, and what action or decision belongs to you?
Much easier said than done, but if pushing through and living on autopilot are part of what brought us here, they can’t be the only strategies that we use to move forward.
You Decide What Happens Next
You, yes you! Remember that there is always something within your sphere of influence and control. The point is to become consciously aware of:
- What’s happening within you in response to the situations in your life. Notice whether you are withdrawing, over-functioning, assuming, or trying to control.
- Slowing down long enough to acknowledge what is fully true, what you may be assuming, and what is actually within your control to make a decision or take action on.
- Choosing the response that best reflects the outcome you want to create.
Ready? 1, 2, 3 JUMP!
I’m Rina Winston, a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) who helps high-capacity professionals and entrepreneurs who are stuck or at a turning point strengthen their self-leadership by shifting the patterns that shape how they focus, decide, work, and follow through.
My 1:1 coaching sessions provide the breathing room to slow down and strategize for what comes next. If you feel curious about what this work looks like, there’s info waiting for you here.
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